News Roundup 8/3/2017

Kevin Myers Blood Libels Claudia Winkleman

Rent-a-contrarian Kevin Myers has accused BBC presenter Claudia Winkleman of murdering a child in order to use its blood in passover bread, charges which Winkleman vigorously denies. This is just the latest in a series of articles by Myers, whose recent output includes such takes as ‘Dreyfus Exoneration: A Travesty of Justice’ and ‘Alfred Rosenberg: Misunderstood Genius.’ Other right-wing pundits have leapt to Myers’ defence, arguing that Kevin Myers’ auto-reactionary support for the state of Israel is definitive evidence that he is not an anti-Semite, even if he does occasionally accuse Vanessa Feltz of desecrating communion hosts.

Frank McDonald – Assaultwatch

Congratulations to journalist¬†and¬†violent thug Frank McDonald, who has successfully managed not to assault any women this week. Frank, who once hit a bartender because she wouldn’t turn a nightclub down, continues to restrain his murderous impulses. Friends, family and colleagues are said to be pleased with his continued progress. Keep up the good work, Frank!

Doctor Who Controversy

The BBC have divided adult fans of children’s television program Doctor Who by casting known Roman Catholic Jodie Whittaker in the role of the time-travelling alien. Many viewers have been angered, pointing to the fact that, canonically, the Reverend Doctor Who is a Presbyterian (as established in the 1981 episode ‘Attack of the Arminians’). The Pleased Middle Press Corps condemn this latest example of creeping cultural papism at the BBC, an organisation known to be heavily infiltrated by Jesuits.

Republican Health Bill Fails

Due to divisions among Republicans, attempts to repeal Obamacare have once again come to nothing. The controversy has revealed major cleavages between the three main factions within the Republican party. A short explanation of these factional divisions for those outside the beltway follows:

  1. The House Freedom Caucus: Consists mainly of people who want child labourers to die from eating uninspected meat in segregated restaurants.
  2. RINOs (Republicans in Negligee Often): The moderate wing of the Republican Party, tending to favour the re-invasion of both Iraq and Grenada, as well as changes to public school curricula that would make snake-handling and speaking in tongues mandatory subjects.
  3. Alleged Mavericks: Consists entirely of John McCain.

Equatorial Guinea

Congratulations to glorious and temperate leader Teodoro Obiang-Nguema who has been re-elected head of the Democratic Party of Equatorial Guinea for an indefinite term.

Patreon News

We at the Pleased Middle would like to thank our newest Patreon supporter, Teodoro Obiang-Nguema.

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