Harry Potter Returns

JK Rowling, in a desperate bid to win young people back to Blairism, has written another thirteen titles in the Harry Potter series with a much more overt focus on the political and economic issues of the wizarding world.

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Harry Potter and the Triangulated Tax Scheme

Harry Potter and the Shower of Bastards

Harry Potter and the Passive Aggressive Unfollow

Harry Potter and the Blast of Reality

Harry Potter and the Barley of Winter

Harry Potter and the Intellectual Bankruptcy of Centrist Neoliberal Technocracy

Harry Potter and the Plate of Biscuits

Harry Potter and the Collected Works of Anthony Giddens

Harry Potter and the Flaff of Floom

Harry Potter and the Out-of-Touch Author

Harry Potter and the Devastating Twitter Takedown

Harry Potter and the Decline of the Potteries

Harry Potter and the Blairites’ Lament

Noel Whelan Pens Ode to Youth

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In a week where certain sections of the UK commentariat seem to have convinced themselves that their own offspring are on the verge of joining the red guards and destroying the four olds (old customs, old culture, old habits and Nick Cohen), it’s good to see at least one of our own is willing to celebrate how the yoofs are changing up politics.

The most remarkable thing about the fact that Leo Varadkar will be elected taoiseach next week is not that he is gay or the son of an immigrant but that he is so young and that he has reached the highest political office in our system just 10 years after he first entered parliament.

Yes, it’s astonishing how someone who started from the lowly beginnings of wealthy child was able to reach the highest political office in the land. No doubt Noel Whelan would be equally impressed by wunderkinds such as Puyi, who managed to go from mewling infant to Emperor of China in less than two years. Really though, Whelan just can’t quite seem to wrap his head around the fact that Varadkar is young(ish)

At 38, he will be our youngest taoiseach ever and is almost three decades younger than his predecessor. Varadkar was born three years after Enda Kenny was first elected to Dáil Éireann. He will be the first child of the 1970s to become taoiseach; in fact born as he was in January 1979, he is almost a child of the 1980s.

Moreover, he was born two years after the Six Pistols’ appearance on the Bill Grundy show and almost ten years before the death of Klaus Fuchs. Noel is clearly very excited by all this. I’m not entirely sure why though. Perhaps he will elaborate?

He is the first of our senior politicians to be formed by the politics of the 21st-century.

Ah, I see. Could you elaborate on what exactly those are Noel?

The manner and pace with which Varadkar has come to the top job suggests he is highly organised, politically astute and ambitious not only for himself but in what he wants to achieve.

Yes, at no point anywhere in the article are Varadkar’s policies or politics ever mentioned, these being rather ancillary to the amazing fact that he is (kind of) young and ambitious in what he wants to achieve, whatever that may be. Nevertheless, we do get an insight into Leo’s meteoric rise to power.

Varadkar’s first politically precocious act was to run in the 1999 local elections when he was just 20 years of age. It was quite an electoral blooding. He polled just 380 first preferences as the party’s only candidate in the Mulhuddart electoral area, which was – and still is – very unfriendly territory for Fine Gael.

Mmkay.

When the local elections next came around in 2004 he ran in the Castleknock electoral area which is significantly more middle class and which was also the catchment for his father’s local GP practice.

Ah, here are those lowly beginnings.

As a rising star in Young Fine Gael he attracted a lot of young campaigners and a lot of financial support. There were no limits on local election spending at the time and the Varadkar campaign was as lavish as a general election effort.

This, I will remind you, is an article about the amazing and unprecedented rise of a precocious child prodigy who succeeded in spite of enjoying every imaginable advantage.

Such luck was only a small part of the story of his steady progress. He showed considerable political skill in being able to articulate public concerns (even criticisms) of the government while still being a prominent member of it.

Which is different to opportunistic hypocrisy due to many reasons, none of which I feel the need to mention.

He was also politically sophisticated in the manner in which he came out as gay to the public in January 2015. He chose his timing well, with the marriage equality referendum on the horizon. He also chose his medium well by doing it on radio in a lengthy personal profile with Miriam O Callaghan and by treating it in a matter of fact way. It was a carefully planned moment which managed to come across as authentic and unforced.

And yet the way you describe it, it almost comes across as crassly opportunistic. Still, at least we get an insight into Leo’s personality, which can best be described as confusing. Leo is ‘brash, bullish and a magnate for media coverage’ as well as ‘extraordinarily shy’, ‘quiet’ and ‘introverted.’ This then, is that rarest of creatures; Schrödinger’s Taoiseach. What then does the future hold for our new premier, who was born two decades after the moon landing and fourteen years before the release of the film ‘Alive’?

The first phase of the Varadkar premiership is likely to be fresh, energetic, structured and dramatic. It will need to be.

Okay, great. Honestly, I’d feel a little more reassured if he was also ‘in your face’, holistic and dynamic, but the poor kid’s barely out of nappies so I guess he still has plenty of time to develop those characteristics.